The Day the World Stood Still

It was one year ago today that I woke up from a night on the couch. I had offered to sleep there in hopes that Karyn would get a good night's sleep. Surely her insomnia was my fault somehow. I remember waking up to Aidan open my eyelids and laughing. "Why was Daddy on the couch?" I woke up.

I remember vividly as Karyn came down the stairs, wobbling for a moment, catching herself on the wall. I remember thinking it looked as if she was drunk. I said good morning and asked her how she slept. Not so well. She smiled at me at said not to worry and that we would figure it out. She smiled at me and I will never forget seeing the left side of her face drooping. The concern was immediate and I knew something was horribly wrong.

The night before I had been cleaning pictures off my laptop. I had pictures that went back to our honeymoon in Fiji and for some reason I found myself caught up looking at them. I remember thinking how happy a time that was and how thankful I was to be married to Karyn. For some strange reason I remember having a quick thought of "what if something ever happened to her?" as I looked at them. To this day I wonder how I had that premonition, but I was obviously tapped into a greater power...

I was probably quite worried looking at this point because Karyn made a comment to me about not needing to worry. I kept asking that she call Dr. Fetcher. "It's not 9am yet"... Well, 9am came, she made the call and we got the word that he did not like what he was hearing and she should get to the emergency room right away. Aidan was off at school, blissfully playing on the last day he would have a mommy as he always knew her.

We put Lieneka in the car and headed to Marin General. I could recall the details of that day in great detail if I wanted to, but I have relived that one so many times, it's good to let it slip into history. But as we sat in one of the rooms waiting to see a doctor, Lieneka sleeping in the stroller as her future was changing around her, Karyn was concerned that she was having trouble moving her are. "I'm starting to not be able to move my arm" she said. I held both of her hands and told her not to worry, and that it would be ok. All the while I was worrying inside. What was this? This was weird. Would she need to stay in the hospital tonight? What would I tell the kids?

The doctor came in and requested an MRI. This was a word that I had only scientific knowledge of. Another delay in our day. "Some change in plans huh sweetie?" I said as I walked beside her on the gurney as they wheeled her outside and to the MRI truck. She went in. An hour later she emerged. I asked the technician how she did... he said, "She did great" and said to Karyn, "You are lucky to have this guy." Thinking back now, he knew our fate but obviously couldn't say anything. He had just seen the demon that lurked inside her head. My mom came to get Lieneka and airlifted her to safety. After a nearly 2 hour wait to talk to someone, a doctor finally emerged and closed the door behind him. Whatever it was he said, I only remember one sentence, "I'm afraid this is more consistent with a brain tumor". The room felt 200 degrees, I was shaking and had to take my sweatshirt off instantly. The rest is truly history.

So here we are a year later. The void I feel every day is still here. I did lose that smiling angel in the honeymoon pictures. The kids lost their mother. We lost a friend.... a sister.... a daughter. I can't imagine the battle that laid before us one year ago today. But most of all, I can't imagine what Karyn's reality must have been like. The fear she must have felt is something I can't think about for too long before physically needing to think about something else. She bravely accepted every curve ball that came her way.

After last year I no longer believe in an all-powerful god. Surely any entity with control over this earth would never allow this to happen. Sadly, suffering is not reserved for Karyn and there are many more people suffering on the earth than not. But I still believe (as I always have) that there is something else to life and I know we will all end up in the same place someday--- we will be with her again. So for now, we live with what we have. I try to enjoy the memories I have and do my best to erase last year. But I am rarely successful. A smell, a song, a picture.... many things remind me of her and what she went through. And though the illness and its details will hopefully blur with time, my memory of Karyn is vivid.

Wherever it is you are Karyn, I will always love you. WE will always love you and we will never forget the light you shone on this often darkened place.


~Julian