Karyn's 42nd Birthday

Well, here we are. Karyn's 42nd birthday. I was just thinking about where we were a year ago today---celebrating her 41st birthday in the Solarium on the 8th floor of UCSF, about to face another craniotomy. I slept in the hospital bed with Karyn that night. Though we spoke a little of the potential of her not making it through the surgery, we were always focused on the prize, the potential of her recovering. How far we've come.

Still, looking back I find it a little ridiculous that we were hopeful given the nature of Glioblastoma, but I am thankful that we had that hope at a time where there was nothing else to hold on to. But I also regret not having the time to properly say goodbye, or at least acknowledge what was happening. I think of all the times I spent in that hospital sitting by her bed, and though we were right there with each other, I had no way of knowing what she was thinking. What would she say if she could?

So now what do we do? What would Karyn do? That's a question I find myself asking a lot these days. I suppose in the end we will never quite know what she would do in these times, but I think she would be proud of all of us. Mostly though I think she would be proud of the kids and how well they have adjusted to the brutal hand they have been dealt. And I know that she would want us all to be living life to the fullest---stopping to enjoy the little pleasures and not letting the bumps knock us too off course.


~Julian