Merry Christmas

I woke up this morning and realized that more than 5 months have gone by since Karyn passed away on July 16. As I navigate this holiday season I keep having memories of this time last year. Lieneka was just over a year old, Aidan was 4 and life was normal for us. It's hard to comprehend how much would change on Jan 26th and how much our day-to-day lives were about to be altered.

There have been many times where I have tried to write something to post to the blog but nothing ever came of it. Now here I am, 2:32 AM... Christmas day. Aidan is asleep beside me, the visions of sugarplums (and R2D2s, Nintendo Wiis and RC Cars) are surely dancing in that magical head of his. One thing is for sure, that clattering I just heard out of the deck was surely Santa making his way into the living room to place one last present.

Christmas Eve is a big celebration for us and this year re-iterated the strength of tradition in our family. We had the entire family here (nearly 30 people now), we ate like royalty and managed to carry on the centuries-old tradition that is called Vigilia. Though several people are no longer standing beside us, their collective presence was certainly felt. When I think about last Christmas it's quite an eerie feeling for me. We had no idea what the future held for us, the fear, the pain the intense suffering and the unbelievable sadness. As I lay here writing this I realize that we are all in this position. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. Life is random. Things will happen. It can always be worse. It can always be better. At least you have your health. Money will not buy you happiness. A close family is a strong family. Love prevails.

Life goes on for us, and like the traditions we hold so dear, Karyn's memory will always be with us. Though I may not know where tomorrow will take me, I know that I will continue to push forward in spite of everything we have had thrown at us. 2006 has taught me to live for today, dream about tomorrow and fondly remember yesterday. It's where we've been that makes us who we are .

So as I enter a year of firsts without my beloved Karyn by my side, I leave you with these memories. Memories of her laugh. Of the joy you could see on her face when she was with Aidan and Lieneka. Her sense of style. The devotion to her friends and family. Her creativity. Her kindness. Her gentleness. Her beauty. She was everything in the world to me. There are times when I least expect it when I will see her in the faces of the children. Often times it's such an amazing likeness that I stop in my tracks in an attempt to get one last look into her eyes. Or to feel just one more of those wonderful Karyn hugs. To hear her say hello one more time. Or goodbye.

We all love you Karyn...